Appease

Ignore

Try

Suffer

Want

Move

Live

Break

Go

Breathe

Cry

Scream

Shut

Lie

Sleep

Throw

Make

Do

Oppose

Roar

Dive

Drive

Hold

Regret

Propose

Kill

See

Hear

Smell

Taste

Feel

You're browsing through the song list.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Happy songs. You don't feel happy.

Break up songs. You don't have anyone to break up with.

Unrequited love songs. You don't have a special person like that.

You. Don't. Have. A. Special. Person. Like. That.

(Rip)

Dance songs. You're lyingon your stomach, and the cheap emotion in those kinds of songs makes you shiver at the moment, anyway.

Poetic songs. Closer to the solution, but still too far. Poems never seem to reflect your feelings, hence your uninterest in them.

Poems. Never. Reflect. Your. Feelings.

(Stab)

Love songs.

Screw them.

 

You feel out of place. You feel like you're alone in the world; not in the metaphorical sense that there is noone like you, but in the literal sense.

Alone. Without anyone to complete you.

(Bite)

You feel like no one needs you. You feel that if you ended your life, no one would notice.

Of course, your mother would cry, trying to figure out where she went wrong.

Of course, your friends would cry. The redhead you spent the whole weekend with would probably stop talking for a while, and listen to metal to try and find the answers. That moron living just down the street would start talking with everyone, and would finally realise just how much one person can be in control of their destinies.

But there is still no one person for whom, if they were to die, you would throw your life away without a second thought.

There is no... Significant other. Lover. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Soulmate. Darling. Baby.

Only one.

(Scratch)

You have doubts. Will they ever come? Will you ever be able to communicate with all the others like normal people do?

Will you ever stop feeling out of place everywhere, on the street, in school, at your friend's place, on the bus, in a party, in your kitchen, in a pub...

In your own home, your own room, your own bed?

(...)

(Silence)

 

Will the one that will help you grow up ever appear? Someone who you will be able to awake feelings in your frozen ice-heart, feelings that would ensure you: you belong with all these people...

Someone who will make you happy, lonely, sad, hopeful, jealous, extatic, excited, afraid, betrayed, thrown in a dark place, beautiful?

Everything you don't feel right now?

Everything you desperately long for, desire, need right now?

That one that you could... Fall in love with?

 

 

For I have taken her lips
(Jigoku Shoujo/Hell girl fan fiction by MikoKriszty)

I knew it would come down to this.

(they’re crawling, oh god, I feel my stomach, I actually feel my insides)

Even though I was aware that eternal doom and suffering would be my reward, I still had to do it.

I regret nothing. I feel knives drive in my back, then turn into disgusting bugs and start feasting on my flesh. I do not scream; but I flatter myself not. It’s not my willpower that saves me from the sharp voice… It’s the fact that I am able to scream no more. (no, please, don’t, it hurts, it hurts so much) An eternity ago, when I had just got here, I did… I shrieked and cried and shouted and pleaded and yelled and finally whimpered and whispered until I destroyed my vocal cord. It only took a day and a half in my new… Residence.

Hell.

It took some time getting used to this place. In the beginning I cried a lot, and tried to rid myself from all the endless and consuming pain – only to calm down and somewhat get used to it.

(pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease)

One can never get used to this, after all…

Of course I still plead for all this to stop – but I only wish for the pain to go away. If someone came up to me and told me that they could save me, but it would cost me my memory of that one experience – I would laugh out loud, and tell them to piss off.

For Hell is worth it.

Even though I think I have lost my smile – I cannot feel my lips, I cannot feel anything but pain – I have not regretted it for one second. Not when I was thrown in hot lava, not when corpses were feasting on my refusing body, not when I hallucinated my loved ones suffering.

(why don’t I ever pass out? why can’t I sleep? my body is so exhausted, I feel like I die again and again)

I have lost my mind pretty quickly. No one could endure this AND still remain sane. Sooner or later, everyone end up losing it.

Even in my confused mind, whenever I think about it, I still know – and I suspect this is my only sane thought –: if the situation arose again, I would do exactly the same.

I tasted the forbidden fruit. I am a weak man, for I could not resist a temptation. And I’m a fool, for I feel no regret.

For I have taken Enma Ai’s lips.